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My Father

Updated: Jan 20




 

As I write these words, I'm sitting comfortably in my corner of the kitchen, eyes looking out at the open garden door.


Lili, bless her, just came down from her nap and has proceeded licking the entirety of her bowl; didn't take long for that duck in gravy to disappear haha! 

 

It's November 2023 and I can’t help but feel into the year so far and all it has brought.


Rewinding back to the same time last year, my partner and I were embarking on a whole new journey: moving out of London where I'd lived close to a decade. Pretty strong roots right?


I can feel my throat tighten slightly with emotion as I indulge in reminiscence about the place that used to be home.


I see us back then, packing our whole lives into medium and large boxes; driving away into the horizon to a fresh start we knew we needed, even if change felt slightly scary.


We trusted our instincts, and were right to do so.


Moving out of a busy capital such as London offers a new perspective, a bigger house, a little more privacy, lots of nature AND comes with a garden ahah! We both made it an intention that we would be doing something different here, focus on developing our passions and entrepreneurial work, all the whilst enjoying life and living in the moment. This lifestyle has not disappointed so far and I can see the progress we've made in only a year :)



The year started in style actually, a trip to my homeland was planned and in March 2023 my partner, his family and I opened the door to a lovely Airbnb in Reykjavik (Ljosheimar) where we would wake up every morning for the next 9 days, hitting the road to go explore and marvel at the wonders of Iceland.


I was quite stunned to (re)discover my country in this way and as we spent time in the South part of the island, I enjoyed many wonderful places and experiences: Gullfoss, Geysir, Thingvellir, Hrunalaug, Blue Lagoon and Fagradalsfjall just to name a few.


It felt like paradise on Earth, truly.


It had been some time since I last visited actually and I came to discover at the end of that trip that I was meant to be there and reconnect a little more with my family.


Although I had seen my father a few times in London over the past couple years, we hadn't met in a little while now and I was eager to get to be with him and do things together whilst being home. We got the chance to do that and I was pleased to see my brothers too.


As I flew back to Liverpool after a successful time in Iceland, our father would announce that he had just been diagnosed with pancreas cancer stage 4. A few days later I was back on a flight, on my own this time.


I got to spend a lot of time with him at the hospital and I'll always cherish those memories of us, my brothers, me, and him during his last months: his courage, tenacity, heart and authenticity were inspiring. But then I shouldn't be surprised. He was always like this my father, strongly rooted in his own vision and truth. He had his unique way of doing things sometimes and trusted his instincts quite well I think. He was a lover of life; music and nature running through his veins. He was also a self-made business man, a person wearing many hats carving his own luck in life. To this day there's so much I learned from him and admire.



He peacefully passed away in May 2023 and his funeral was held on the 17th at Bústaðakirkja.


Blessuð sé minning hans.



Just writing these words of course feels heavy and my heart immediatly contracts with ache.


There are moments that stay with you, like little movie clips passing through your mind. I remember the silence and density all across the room that day as we entered the empty church, just the close family first, to pay our respects and sit with the open casket for a while before the ceremony.


We sat together at the front row a little afraid to move and when the priestess gave us the go ahead, I was first to stand up after some time of holding my breath. I blessed my father and said my goodbyes to him. It was strange to sense his lifeless body because I knew his spirit, his essence and fiery energy that was him was no longer there, in that body. Yet, this was a day to celebrate his life and feel into his legacy, what he had been and left behind.


We had arranged for lots of beautiful live music and singing to be part of the ceremony and I'm glad we did, he would have loved it and that's why we did it. My father always had something grand about him, a lot of style and entertainment qualities. Good conversations, a clever mind, interesting and uplifting personality - a good friend.


He was also human and not perfect. He had his things to work through like everybody else; his temper and stubbornness for one haha, and I suspect looking back at it now that he was somewhat of an introvert at heart and had to balance everything that comes with that. Gaining better knowledge on self-development, relationships and life-fulfilment were, I think, important aspects of his journey. As a child, I remember him often reading wellness and self-growth books among other things, which I always found very cool. It's something I find myself doing now too.


Seeing him at the funeral, his soul no longer inhabiting his body, I was reminded to not waist time living a life that felt average, purposeless or spent pleasing others/a certain societal conditioning. It was a strong message that came through me that day and ever since I've shifted quite drastically in the right direction.

 

I believe it was a couple of weeks after my return in England that I handed in my notice at my 9-5 corporate job.


On my calendar, and I smile as I write this, I can see my notes for Friday 30th of June 2023: "last day as recruiter; beginning of yoga, wellness and fitness facilitator career + music and art and youtube and business and coaching and just everything for me".


Reading this fills my heart with joy and reminds me of my vision and the fact that I can choose my lifestyle. Today I get to dive in a little deeper each day into my true self and what I came to do here on this planet.


I feel that I owe it to my father to an extent.


He was my inspiration in life in so many ways, but he helped shape me through his death also. He was and always will be in my cells. His legacy lives on through me, my brothers and everyone that loved him.


~


On a spiritual note, I know that he's not gone. Our earthly journey together has ended for now in the physical realm but soul bonds are never broken, they only bend for a while.

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