I CAN'T TAKE A STAND
Updated: May 31
I am VERY much into wellbeing, cultivating authenticity ,and conscious empowering choices - and feel like I have come a long way for the past couple of years on this - HOWEVER I can also easily lose myself and get very hyper, drink too much with a friend, stay up really late because I'm diving into something absolutely captivating, stuff myself with junk food just because it feels good and the list is long. I don't know if you see where I'm heading with this but I believe that knowing oneself, and perhaps it's appropriate to use the word HEALING, throughout our adult lives, is a long process, sometimes fun, other times not so much... I've been thinking a lot lately about how each and every one of us is absolutely responsible for what we do, how we feel, and what our life evolves around... but somehow we seem to be so quick to fall into our vices and be passive, letting life, bad habits, and other people's actions take us someplace we don't really want to be and it can somehow feel like we never progress... which is obviously not true - but this has been my "struggle" as of lately.
To give you a real life example, the other day I got absolutely sick of social media, again, having the phone glued to my hand 24/7, and the lifestyle and mindset that it entails. I had been observing that my attention spam is getting lower - before I used to devour documentaries and books without distraction, and now I feel like I always need my phone with me, which causes me to pause my activity several times before getting through it. There's always a voicemail, text, or notification from someone, and I am guilty of checking my social media accounts many times during the day, which is actually just really causing anxiety. causes me to feel anxious at times, It's like a constant to do list that never ends, a persistent stimulation coming from all directions blocking the senses, numbing the mind, and preventing the soul to fully live in the present moment. Who else feels this way?
Anyhow, the other day I decided that I had to get a grip and be more authentic and aligned with what my heart is telling me and so I took all apps, conversations, notes, and pictures off my phone - a total clean slate. I literally just kept WhatsApp, my online banking, the weather and a few useful things - it all fitted on one screen. I wanted my phone to be the closest possible to just serving the purpose of being a phone, like back in the days when we had land lines. It felt like such a declutter had been done, it was freeing.
Alongside this, I decided to simplify my life altogether and aim to approach everything with intention, gratitude, and a minimalistic vision. It lasted about 4 days, before I put a few things back on - but let me tell you that it felt immensely good... I took long walks in stunning parks, slept much better without screens and distractions, and I also felt kind of sad, which was not bad... it was more like I was doing shadow work, as they call it, I could see much clearer in me, without having access to everyone and their lives and also my own "image" on social media... this online presence that we all somehow have out there nowadays. It almost felt like I was doing a Vipassana retreat (group of people who gather together for several days for meditation and live in absolute silence to look inwards) within my own 4 walls and it really was interesting. All this to say that this is just an example of so many concepts, thoughts, and impulsions I have, and sometimes I would just like to be able to take a stand on something and stick with it for a while.
Most of my activity (yoga, art, YouTube channel, wellness blog, Esty shop, and more) is online, so it doesn't make sense for me to stay in isolation for long periods of time, but rather a moderate and monitored usage, with regular short times off. Frankly I also think it can only be beneficial to live within your time and customs, there's not much good that comes from fighting it... all of us seem to connect, exchange, open businesses, support each other, and find value through the internet... I just wonder sometimes if we ever take a moment to look at life without it?
I also sometimes want to trust my gut feeling and go radical on some things, but in all honesty the goals that I set are probably quite hard and unrealistic in the first place and then I find myself slightly perplexed as to why I don't always stick to them. But to give you a context, when I turned 28 last month, I wrote a few vows to myself which I actually signed and taped to my fridge - the main bullet points were to not smoke any cigarettes, drink any drop of alcohol whatsoever, and not take any type of drug - for a whole year, until I turn 29.
This is all well and good and is a great lifestyle to have, if that's something one wants to do - but for someone like myself who has been a smoker for the past 10 years (sorry to any family member who actually reads this and didn't know - I don't really smoke in front of family) and was also in the habit of having some alcohol during social gatherings (even if it's just a chilled wine night at home with a friend) there seems to always be this tendency to have to get to another state of slight high to be able to be comfortable with people or be happy in life or something, and I really do feel like I don't need or even want any of that anymore I am so ready to step up and just be high on life really - and apart from 2 social gatherings recently, I have been sticking to this and intend to do so for most of the year to come and onwards.
I just want to say that, as with a lot of things, I feel like I'm either all in or all out, it can vary slightly depending on my emotions, mood and surroundings. Although some of what I do, or think, or say, may seem out of the blue or a bit stretched at times... it is often something that has been sitting with me for a while and the only way I know how to let it out is just to let it out, full stop. Finding true balance and form real character seems like work worth the effort, but no easy work - like most things that matter, though.
I am just pouring out my thoughts here, and I don't know if many people necessarily read my blog posts, but I do like the idea that there might be a few out there who find value in my words and I am determined to explore the world of wellbeing, healing, spirituality, self empowerment and connection to everyone and everything there is in this world, in the highest vibrations possible, and often, writing my thoughts out on a topic is a way for me to express myself, my current understanding of things and the many layers I uncover on my path. I keep my compass joyfully in my hand, and will continue onward, and it is my hope and deepest desire that as the years go by, I get to connect with people from all around the globe and perhaps create a community around similar values at some stage!
In the meantime, I try the best I can to make the effort to really dig deep and get to know myself and better myself and my interactions with others and what I bring to this world, and most days I just love it - I can also say this now with a step back as I feel much more in touch with my being and I don't easily get off balance anymore (as opposed to huge mood swings, existential spiralling and rebellion from my younger years) but still to this day, I have to say that I do have a long way to go, to unquestionably know my desires, opinions, and best practices for myself.
Some days I feel like the total introvert that I am and I just hug trees and speak to birds during my solo walks to my local parks and feel super connected to nature and everything that is - I can go days without seeing a soul (well, apart from my partner at home) AND some days I just want to love the entire world and go out for a pint and see this person, and that person, and spend the best time with them and do all the activities out there possible, it's like craving deep and warm connections… it's about singing songs, feeling alive, and telling people they're amazing! It can all feel so random, it's like I want everything and nothing in the next second. I don't know if I'm a spiritual introvert, cool ambivert, artistic extravert, mild bipolar (ahah) or just none of the labels above, but it sure is interesting to observe one self - to actually observe the emotions and how they feel inside the body, because then they pass and you actually see yourself.
I sound like a freak writing such intimate thoughts for anyone to see, but I believe that I am just putting words on what most people are thinking anyway and I think it's positive to try as much as we can and want to get to the bottom of our own user manuals!
I think that a lot of what I am personally going through at the moment is just that I am now in my late twenties going on thirties soon, and I am totally ready to take ownership of my feelings and what works for me or not going forward. What I observed during my few days of "shadow healing" off social media and the like, was that I really am a BIG people's pleaser, I just really am! I am naturally empathic, and kind, and I sort of easily go with the flow anywhere - I am so quick to offer my advise, help on projects/tasks, give passionate motivation talks or offer a friendly ear to listen (usually complaints) from people around me, and I do it happily ; but what I am realising more and more is that it has to come from a place of love and joy from me, not just out of habit.
I have lately put in place more deliberate "time on the phone" or "time interacting with people" all together, I do it in my own time and when I can and want to, and I am careful to stay my natural self, yet not give all of myself without having my word to say in it as well. I think that being kind has nothing to do with being nice, it's all about being authentic with yourself and the people around you. You are responsible for encouraging and shaping more of what you like around you.
So here I am, sometimes unable to take a stand on things, and still trying to discover and trial what lifestyle and mindset works best for me... perhaps a bit of both worlds is good - a bit of an introverted/healthy/spiritual/minimalistic/quiet life mixed with intense and beautiful friendships/carelessness/lots of fun/and a life filled with impulsions and emotions and intuition
. I think (each to our own ingredients) that it might come close to a recipe for a truly successful and fulfilling life!