I CAN'T TAKE A STAND
Updated: Oct 7, 2021
It is often said that libra's have a hard time making decisions as their mind and heart will always go on weighting ALL options on the table before taking a stand, they see how both sides make sense and are intertwined - it's lots of shades of grey.
I am passionate about wellbeing, cultivating authenticity and conscious empowering choices to live a happy, healthy and balanced life, and I must say that I've come a long way on my own healing journey over the past years, which feels great, but I still have some work to do.
I must confess that I can easily lose myself between my definition of good and bad, right and wrong; excess and moderation. Getting to truly know oneself and what works throughout the adult life is a process, sometimes fun, often challenging.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how each and every one of us is absolutely responsible for what we do, how we feel, and what our life evolves around yet how easy it is to be ok with being passive and influenced by the flow, by life, by time and others around us.
We just let the wave take us someplace we don't really want to be and it can somehow feel like we never progress.
Of course we always learn along the way, and some of us really wake up and commit to staying in the drivers seat, but these have been my thoughts as of late, my real mental struggle.
To give you a good example, the other day I got disgusted with social media, once again, of how it robs me of feeling present and focused. Before being so hooked on it, I used to devour documentaries and books all the way through without distraction; now I feel like I always need my phone close by, there's always a voicemail, text, or notification from someone to check, or something I want to share or create.
I've observed that this invites anxiety and disconnection to come in - it's a to do list that never ends, a persistent stimulation coming from all directions blocking the senses, numbing the mind, and preventing the soul to fully live in the now.
Based on this conclusion, I then decided that I wanted to be better aligned with what my heart was telling me and so I took all apps, conversation history, notes, and pictures off my phone - a total clean slate.
I just kept WhatsApp to speak with family and close friends overseas, my online banking, the weather and a few useful things - it all fitted on one screen, what a declutter, what a relief!
I wanted my phone to be the closest possible to just serving the purpose of being a phone, like back in the days when we had land lines.
I also decided to simplify my life altogether and aim to approach everything with intention, gratitude, and a minimalistic mindset.
It felt freeing: I spent time in nature on long walks in my beautiful local parks, I slept much better without screens nearby and my focus was back on.
On the other hand it also felt like a withdrawal from the world, I felt a tad sad at times, like I was taking the opportunity to just be with myself and see clearer within my own being as a result of not having access to everyone and their lives and also my own image on social, this online presence we all have out there nowadays.
It almost felt like I was doing a Vipassana retreat (group of people who gather together for several days of meditation and live in 100% silence to look inwards) within my own 4 walls and I can't say it wasn't interesting.
Now, I only lasted about 4 days before putting most of the apps back on, which really isn't that long and it just goes to show how unassertive I can be about sticking with something, and how I juggle between impulsions, thoughts and concepts.
Can I take a stand?
Most of my activity (IG accounts, YouTube Channels, Etsy Shop, and Blog) is online, so I tend to not want to be offline for too long; perhaps a moderate and monitored usage is better, with regular short time off.
Frankly, I also think it's healthy to some degree to not go completely against what everyone else is doing and not find your place in the society you live in. To go back to social media, the majority of us seem to connect, exchange, open businesses, support each other, and find value through our internet profiles... I just wonder sometimes if we ever take a moment to truly look at life without it?
When I say I struggle as of late, it is because I often want to jump both feet into what my guts are telling me and just go radical on some things, and then I get confused or frustrated when I don't succeed at my mission, forgetting that my goal was probably quite unrealistic and hard to achieve in the first place.
It was impulsive, neither calculated nor planned.
Another example of this phenomena was when I recently turned 28: I wrote a list of vows to myself which I actually signed and taped to my fridge to have as a daily reminder. The main bullet points on this paper were to not do the following for a whole year: not smoke any cigarettes, not drink a drop of alcohol whatsoever and not take any type of substances at social gatherings when/if offered.
This is all well and good, but I've been a (social)smoker for the past 10 years and I'm also in the habit of consuming some alcohol, especially if I meet up with people and so there seems to always be this tendency to have to get to another state of slight high/relaxation to be comfortable passing time with others or be happy in life or something, which I just really don't feel I like or need anymore.
My being is telling me that I am so ready to step up and be high on life.
Going cold turkey feels extreme but so far it has been working pretty well.
So I've highlighted that with a lot of things, I feel like I'm either all in or all out; it can vary slightly depending on my emotions, mood and surroundings. Although some of what I do, or think, or say, may seem out of the blue or a bit stretched at times... it is often something that has been sitting with me for a while and the only way I know how to let it out is just to let it out, full stop. Finding true balance and form real character seems challenging, but worth the work, like most things that matter.
I am just pouring out my thoughts here, and I don't know if many people necessarily read my blog posts, but I do like the idea that there might be a few out there who find value in my words and I am determined to explore the world of wellbeing, healing, spirituality, self empowerment and connection to everyone and everything there is in this world, in the highest vibrations possible, and often, writing my thoughts on a topic is a way for me to express myself, my current understanding of things and the many layers I uncover on my path.
I keep my compass joyfully in my hand, and aim to continue onward - it is my hope and deepest desire that as the years go by, I get to connect with empowered people from all around the globe and create a community around similar values.
In the meantime, I try the best I can to make the effort to dig deep and better myself, my interactions with others, and think about what I want to bring to this world.
During my younger years, I would easily get off balance with mood swings, existential spiralling and rebellious thoughts, which I don't experience near as much anymore - but I still have a long way to go, to unquestionably know my desires, opinions, and best practices for myself.
Some days I feel like the total introvert that I am and I just hug trees and speak to birds during my solo walks to my local parks and feel super connected to nature and everything that is - I can go days without seeing a soul (well, apart from my partner at home). And other days I wake up wanting to love the entire world and go out for a pint and see this person, and that person, and spend the best time with them and do all the activities out there possible, it's like craving deep and warm connections… it's about singing songs, feeling alive, and telling people they're amazing! It can all feel so random, it's like I want everything and nothing in the next second. I don't know if I'm a spiritual introvert, cool ambivert, artistic extravert, mild bipolar with ADHD or just none of the labels above, but it sure is interesting to observe one self - to actually observe the emotions and how they feel inside the body, because then they pass and you realise you're just experiencing them but they're not you. Your higher being knows that.
I think that a lot of what I am personally going through at the moment is just that I am now in my late twenties going into the thirties soon, which brings a new awareness.
I am totally ready to take ownership of my feelings and what works for me or not going forward.
What I observed during my few days of "shadow healing" off social media and the like, was that I really am a BIG people pleaser, I just really am! I am naturally empathic, and kind, and I sort of easily go with the flow anywhere - I am so quick to offer my advise, or help on projects/tasks, give passionate motivation talks or offer a friendly ear to listen (usually complaints) from people around me, and I do it happily ; but what I am understanding more and more is that it has to come from a place of love and joy from me, not just out of habit.
I have lately put in place more deliberate "time on the phone" or "time interacting with people" all together, I do it in my own time and when I can and want to.
I am careful about staying my natural bubbly self, yet not giving all of my energy out.
I think that being kind has nothing to do with being nice, it's all about being authentic with yourself and the people around you.
You are responsible for encouraging and shaping more of what you like around you.
So here I am, sometimes unable to take a stand on things, and still trying to discover and trial what lifestyle and mindset works best for me... perhaps a bit of both worlds is good - a private introverted, healthy, spiritual, minimalistic and quiet lifestyle mixed with intense and beautiful friendships, carelessness, lots of fun, and a life filled with impulsions, emotions and intuition - all in the right dosage of course.
That might just come close to the recipe for a truly successful and fulfilling existence!