Updated: Nov 14, 2022
So what I'd like to share today is how this teacher training that I am doing at the moment has been an eye opener for me. I've heard our mentor say more than once that this isn't just about learning to instruct yoga, but very much meant to be a personal transformation too. I am really happy about what came up for me so far but also a little surprised.
In terms of emotions and on a personal level, I was expecting to get to release some of the sadness and grief I have stored in me from childhood and heartbreaks later on in life linked to friends, relationships, and family experiences; but it hasn't really been so much about that specific feeling.
During my teacher training, I got to see other aspects of myself that I was invited to deal with, and these things felt a bit ugly: frustration, impatience, anger and lack of discipline. Perhaps a decent amount of fear too and a blockage around allowing myself to be me fully.
We were asked to monitor our feelings throughout the day over a week as part of an assignment and I must say that I surprised myself experiencing the above, especially at work. I get triggered quite easily and often think to myself that this person or that person isn't doing things properly and if I were doing them or if this was my company I would be performing and organising things much better. I can come across borderline rude sometimes (or passive aggressive!) if I feel someone is stepping over my limits or things are not going my way. I also noticed that I tend to want to do a lot of tasks myself from scratch, in my personal life and projects; I wonder where it comes from. I've always known that I am a perfectionist but this feels a little deeper, like I am keeping people at arm's length, not having the patience or will to share, open myself, be vulnerable.
Am I afraid of getting angry or rude, to have to show that part of me to someone rather than the nice person I put on display, who agrees with everything; what am I protecting myself from?
I believe I am holding onto a form of anger that I didn't realise I had. It clearly comes from the fact that I am hiding behind nice Helga most of the time in society and perhaps I ought to look at this a bit closer; I feel like under this mask is a much more assertive and fierce leader type person but I feel slightly afraid of her and what it would mean to let her out?
Am I afraid that if I would allow myself to truly be myself, without filters, I wouldn't like the person I see in the mirror? Am I afraid of not being a nice enough person? Am I afraid that I won't be loved, that I will be abandoned by others?
I feel like this all kind of makes sense now; my unease with conflict, discomfort of saying no and being too nice and kind on the surface - my inability to speak my truth on occasions; I never want to be too pushy, or too opinionated, I adapt well to others to the point of clearly building up frustration.
This also explains my recurrent need of withdrawing from the world and its responsibilities. That's another thing that has come up; my tendency to run away a little too often from situations when they become too much for me. I've developed this pattern where I perhaps don't take enough accountability for myself and therefore lack discipline.
Side note: I struggled a bit a few years back with the notion of being an introvert and had to accept and respect my need for time alone, as I would otherwise feel quite drained and overstimulated if I didn't get to recharge my batteries often enough, away from people and my outside environment. I felt guilty and unbalanced for cancelling plans or not wanting to commit to others, sometimes feeling like I didn't have a voice or didn't belong; feeling a bit detached. Today this makes more sense, it comes back to not allowing myself to be authentic enough, not setting healthy boundaries, and not speaking my truth by fear of rejection - therefore feeling the constant need to retract and tune inwards as it's actually exhausting to put on a mask on a daily basis!
This discovery is very interesting for me and I want to honour it in the weeks to come to let my authentic self truly emerge as I continue on my path of self discovery and expansion.
I am doing myself and others a disservice by not showing myself for who I truly am, the good and the bad. So what if I lose a few friends, so what if this more assertive and less patient person feels a bit foreign to me, I just need to let her out and then find a balance, right?